


Black eyes, broken ties.

by HoodedHeda



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Domestic Violence, F/F, F/M, Lesbian Character, Lesbian Sex, Love, Love Confessions, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-19
Updated: 2017-11-12
Packaged: 2018-10-07 19:05:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10367367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HoodedHeda/pseuds/HoodedHeda
Summary: A short introduction about an emotionally testing story. A short prologue to see if anyone's interested in reading it.





	1. Prologue - Another dream of her.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think :-)

She ran away from me, I was chasing her trying to tag her. Our favourite game. Laughing, happiness. Oh, what I’d give to go back to when we were children. To when she was happy and we were best friends, not a care in the world. She deserved to be happy, I could make her happy. I could love her. 

=====================================================================

The crisp sun peered through the curtains and onto her face causing her eyes to flicker open. This wasn’t the first time Lexa had dreamt of Clarke, in fact, she dreamt of her most nights. Although they lived facing each other, they barely spoke. Just a quick ‘hey’ paired with a half smile in the halls at college, was all she got. 

She couldn’t remember exactly how they drifted apart but she knew it was sometime after Clarke got with Finn. She stopped replying to her texts, returning her calls and even stopped letting on and saying ‘hey’ when she was with him. 

One time, she was painting in her bedroom and could hear a scream. Her eyes jumped to the window and she witnessed Clarke and Finn arguing. It looked pretty heated and she was crying so hard. She just wanted to be there for her and comfort her.

On a few occasions, she witnessed more horrifying things. 

She knew Clarke was unhappy. She knew Clarke deserved better. She planned to stop it, but how? How can she save the girl she loves from a monster?


	2. Friday Rituals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And so it begins...

It started as just another typical Friday morning. After being awoken by another dream of Clarke, Lexa was anxious to see her today. A day of college lay ahead followed by another party. The parties were usually at the houses of the kids who’s parents were away for the weekend or busy working. They didn’t really care if their kids had people over. Tonight the party was Raven Reyes’. She was known for throwing the best, wildest and most entertaining parties because there were no rules. Her parties were always wild and prodigious.   
Grabbing her jacket and stuffing her phone into her jean pocket, Lexa left the house to meet Clarke at their usual spot, the corner coffee shop. For as long as she can remember they met here to walk to school every day. 

Just as she approached the coffee shop Clarke was leaving with two cups. Lexa got a tingle in her tummy when her eyes found the blonde. She was always so fidgety and nervous around her. Clarke noticed Lexa and let off a grin. “Long Macchiato, as always,” Clarke said rolling her eyes. “Hey, it was my turn to buy!” Lexa claimed throwing a frown in Clarke’s direction. “So a girl can’t buy her best friend a drink now? Allow it Lex” she said teasingly.

God, I loved it when she called me that! There’s something about the way it rolls off her tongue and the cheeky glint in her eye when she says it. 

She felt herself start to blush.

shit, what if she notices?

Lexa smiled and nods and they continue their walk to college. 

The day was long and lifeless, as college usually was. The classes seemed to last a lifetime and were more boring than usual. The fact it was Friday may have played a part in it or maybe it was because Clarke wasn’t in any of Lexa’s classes that day. She missed the look on her face when she was concentrating and was hard at work. She seemed to love that about Clarke. She loved everything about her in fact. 

The bell rang and the last lesson for that day was dismissed. Lexa packed up her books, made her way out of the classroom and down the hallway toward her locker. She reached the locker that belonged to her and freed the padlock that was holding the door shut. She slid her books inside ready for Monday's lessons thinking of an excuse she could use that she’s not used before as to why she hasn’t done her homework. As she pulled the door of her locker closed she was startled by a face appearing from behind it. It's her. The girl she hasn’t been able to take her mind off of. Those piercing eyes. Ugh, those lips. 

“Scared?” Clarke says wittingly.

“Petrified. So, when are you going to take your Halloween mask off?” She says trying to be funny. 

“Pfft, it's all natural. You love my face when will you stop lying to yourself, Lex?”

Why does she have to call me that? Honestly, if she knew what it did to me I don’t think she’d call me that anymore. Which is exactly why she can’t find out how I feel about her. She means too much to me for me to go and ruin things and lose her.

She realises that she hasn’t answered her and has just been staring at her intently. She has to think of something, anything. A reason why she’s been staring at her so she doesn’t know that she falls more and more in love with her every time her eyes meet hers. 

“You’ve got something on your ch-cheek..” she stutters.

Really Alexa? That’s the best you could come up with? Jesus. 

“What, where?” 

Lexa reaches her hand out and brushes her cheek to pretend she’s wiping something from her face. Lexa lets out a harsh breath out of her mouth as their skin touches. Her skin is silky soft. She doesn’t want to stop but she has too. 

“There, all done. You’re welcome Miss Griffin” she says nervously tucking a bit of fallen hair behind her ear “now let's go home and get ready, we’ve got a party to go to.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm new here and this is my first fanfic but you guys have been great, so thank you. I appreciate all feedback so if you'd like to leave a comment that'd be super. 
> 
> I'll get to work on the next chapter. It's gonna be a big one!


	3. RAVEn reyes

It was around 8 pm and Lexa was in her bedroom finishing doing her hair. She decided to wear it down and pinned back. After trying on many different outfits she went for one of the first ones she thought of, black ripped skinny jeans with a grey v-neck t-shirt, black boots and a black leather biker jacket. Lexa usually didn’t fuss about what she wore to parties but she wanted to look good tonight because she was thinking about telling Clarke how she felt about her. Even though she kept talking herself out of the idea, not knowing if she felt the same was driving her insane. She was scared that Clarke was going to freak out and that their friendship would be ruined but after years of keeping this a secret she just had it get it off her chest and Clarke was the only person she told everything to, so tonight would be the night that she was going to confess all. 

She took one last look at herself in the mirror to make sure she looked okay. Took a deep breath and said “Tonight's the night, you can do this Alexa. Don’t fuck this up”. She confidently turned and left her bedroom.

=====================================================================

“I love you, I’ll be safe, I promise. Bye mum” Lexa shouted as she pulled the front door shut. She jogged across the road with her arms holding herself in an attempt to take the chill of the evening air off her arms. Her leather jacket didn’t provide as much protection from the cold as she thought it would. She reached Clarke’s front door and rang the bell.

A shadow appeared behind the door. Through the frosted glass, she could make it out to be Clarke’s mum. The door swung open. 

“Lexa, you look effortlessly beautiful as always. Please, come in” 

“Thank you, Abby,” she said taking a step inside, happy to be coming in out of the cold.

“Clarke’s in her room getting ready, go on up,” she said with a smirk. 

Lexa has always felt like Abby’s smirks at her were a hint that she knew her secret. Did she know how I felt about her daughter? Was it really that obvious? 

She gave Mrs Griffin a subtle smile before making her way upstairs to Clarke’s bedroom. With every step she took, the churning feeling in the pit of her stomach got worse. She wasn’t sure if it was the usual nervousness she felt before seeing Clarke or if it was because tonight was the night she was going to tell her everything. 

She made her way up the last step and found herself at Clarke’s bedroom door. She raised her hand to knock on the door but it opened before her knuckles had the chance to hit off it and make a noise. Her eyes met Clarke’s and she started to drown in her ocean coloured eyes. They were radiantly mesmerising. The stare was broken by Clarke running her eyes over Lexa’s outfit. 

“You’re the only person I know that can dress casual and still be hot,” she said with a cheeky half-smile that she did so well. 

Lexa’s eyes were still fixated on Clarke. Looking at her blonde curly hair falling perfectly, as usual. She was wearing a little black dress that hugged her body perfectly. It was like the dress was made for her. 

Clarke perched herself on her bed, slipping on a pair of black heels. She stood up after fastening the strap of the second heel and walked over to her mirror, checked over her outfit, and hair sprayed her hair in place.

“So, do I look okay?” Clarke asked, hoping that she did because she spent ages wondering what to wear. 

“You look stunning, C,” she said without hesitation. 

Clarke noticed that Lexa hadn’t taken her eyes off of her since she entered the room. It made her feel good about herself. Sometimes she’d catch Lexa looking at her and it made her feel special. Sometimes she’d think that Lexa thought of her as more than a friend but she shrugged it off and put it down to her, wishful thinking. She didn’t like to admit that she sometimes dreamt of kissing Lexa, she was scared of how it made her feel. 

A smile arose on Clarke’s face one that she couldn’t hide, not from lack of trying. 

“Let’s get going Lex”. 

=====================================================================

They paid the taxi driver and got out of the taxi. The noise coming from Raven's’ house was a mix of cheering, from a drinking game no doubt. People trying to sing along to the music and the slurring words of the intoxicated people in the back garden.

They made their way up the garden path when Clarke started to shiver. Lexa noticed her shivering and the white mist leaving her mouth as she breathes. She took off her biker jacket and draped it over Clarke’s shoulders and said “ Hold on to this. I don’t want you to catch a cold or get sick”.

Clarke was about to object, as she knew Lexa was cold because she was shivering too but before she could say anything she noticed the concern in her eyes and knew that there was nothing she could say to change her mind, so she just said “Thank you” grabbed her hand and lead her inside the house. 

As they walked through the door Raven shouted “Guys, you came! Nice to see you made an effort commander,” while handing them a drink. She referred to Lexa as the commander because she was apparently the most straight-faced, serious member of the group. Lexa smelled the drink that Raven handed her. She could tell it was red bull but she wasn’t sure what it was mixed with. She tasted it planning to drink it anyway. She needed some dutch courage if she was going to tell Clarke everything. 

They ventured further into the party. Saying “Hey” to their friends and classmates as they went. 

After a couple of drinks and a few conversations with friends, they started to settle in and relax. They both were a bit tipsy at this point. Lexa noticed a boy staring at Clarke. At first, she thought he was just another horny teenage boy that had the hots for Clarke so she passed it off as nothing. But then she started noticing him pop-up in every room they were going in. Lexa began to feel uncomfortable about the whole situation. Why was he staring at her like a piece of meat? It wasn’t the typical ‘she’s hot’ stare and it usually didn’t last this long throughout the night. It was like he was following her, watching her every move with his hawk eyes. A lion stalking its prey. 

She felt sick. Had she been throwing the drinks back too quickly in the hope that it’d give her some liquid confidence?

“Clarke, I’m gonna head to the bathroom and then get a drink, do you want anything?”

“No thanks Lex, I’m good.” 

Lexa headed off towards the bathroom trying to walk normally but she was pretty sure that she was swaying and had to grab nearby objects to steady herself a few times. 

She got into the bathroom and stared at herself in the mirror. Was she really ready to tell Clarke how she felt? What if she didn’t feel the same? What if this ruined their bond? 

She splashed some water on her face to relax. 

She got out for the bathroom and headed to the kitchen to get herself a new drink. She poured her favourite concoction of whiskey and Dr Pepper and scanned the room for the blonde. 

“Ugh, where is she?” she mumbled to herself when she couldn’t find her the first time. 

She took a gulp of her drink and went to check the back garden for her. She needed to tell her how she felt, it was now or never. 

There was no sign of her. She tapped the nearest person on the shoulder. He turned around, it was Jasper. He’d know where she was. 

“Hey Jasper, have you seen Clarke around? I can’t seem to find her.” She slurred. 

But Jasper was just as drunk as Lexa. 

“Clarke? Um, she left about 5 minutes ago I think,” he babbled. 

She nodded to say thanks and went back into the house. 

Why would she leave without saying goodbye? This wasn’t like her. Maybe her mum called and needed her at some for some reason. I hope she’s okay. 

Lexa walked home alone. Still harbouring the feelings she meant to get off her chest. She hoped Clarke was okay and safe. 

She finally reached her street and all she could think about was getting in out of the cold. Clarke still had her jacket and hoped it was keeping her warm wherever she was. 

She stumbled into the house and up the stairs to her bedroom where she stripped off and climbed into bed. She fell straight to sleep.. Forgetting about the boy that had been watching Clarke all evening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the feedback. I'm working on making the chapters longer for you guys. X


	4. That Finn boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the morning after the night before. Is Clarke okay? What happened to her? What about that Finn boy?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took me a little longer to write. I hope you enjoy it. 
> 
> As always if you do have any feedback, please leave a comment. 
> 
> Thank you and have a great weekend xo

She took my hand and held it tight. I looked into her eyes, she was giggling and then started to run and tug on my arm. We ran along the beach in the sun. Her blonde curls bouncing in the sea breeze as we ran. 

=====================================================================

She woke and just lay there thinking about her dream and how she remembered many days spent at the beach with Clarke and how she wished she’d still hold her hand tightly even if it was just for encouragement. 

She sat up on the edge of the bed and rubbed her eyes. There was a thudding feeling in her head and then she remembered last night's occurrences. Her eyes widened, Clarke! Was she okay? Did she make it home safely? She got up and walked over to her window and could see Clarke’s curtains drawn so she knew she was still sleeping. She felt a weight lifting. At least she was home and nothing happened to her. 

She made her way to her ensuite and turned the shower on and lay a towel out for after her shower. She turned the radio on that lived on her bedside table. As Ed Sheeran’s Galway girl played out she lifted her t-shirt off over her head and proceeded toward the bathroom for a refreshing shower. 

=====================================================================

A beam of light burst through the gap between the curtains and hit Clarke's face unforgivingly. She groaned and squinted as her eyes opened. 

“Ugh, fucking sun.” she moaned to herself. “Ah, my head's killing me,” she said raising her hands up to her head, holding it. 

After a few moments of staying still, she stood up to find that her legs were shaky. How drunk was she last night? She didn’t remember drinking that much. She made her way over to the curtains and pulled them open and couldn’t help but look into Lexa window. 

“Is she alright? I hope she got home okay.”

She fetched her phone from the bedside table and text Lexa. ‘Are you awake? I hope you’re okay. I can’t really remember what happened last night. Hopefully, it’ll come back to me later. C x’. She threw her phone on her bed and glanced back across to Lexa’s bedroom window in search of any life and she could see Lexa walking away from the window as she was pulling her top off to reveal her naked back. Her stomach flipped and she felt her heart pounding in her chest. 

As she disappeared from sight Clarke turned from the window and went to find something to eat  
for breakfast. 

=====================================================================

Lexa climbed into the shower and drew the curtain and began to wash her hair just as her phone pinged. 

“Typical,” she said while rolling her eyes. “Always when I can’t reply or I’m busy,” she said then she carried on with her shower. 

Afterwards, she wrapped the towel around her toned body and wrapped her hair up in a towel. She checked her phone to see who the message was from and her heart skipped a beat when she saw Clarke’s name on the screen. ‘I’m fine. I couldn’t find you last night. Let’s do something today? X’ she sent the message and smiled to herself “Well at least she’s okay. Hopefully, I’ll get to see her today” she bit her lip in hope. 

Her phone pinged almost straight away with a reply ‘Meet me at the coffee shop at 11:30 x’. She glanced over at the clock, it was 11 am already. ‘Make it 11:45’ she replied and carried on getting ready. 

She wasn’t sure if she was going to tell her how she felt about her. She wasn’t feeling as confident as she was last night. She was more concerned about what happened to her and how she got home. 

=====================================================================

Clarke just got a text from Lexa, she wanted to do something today. Well, we could start with coffee and a chat about last night maybe it would re-jog my memory, she thought to herself. They were going to meet at the coffee shop at 11:45. 

She finished her toast and orange juice and went to her room. 

“What should I wear?” she opened the wardrobe doors and went through the clothes hung up. As the weather was nice she decided to wear high waisted denim shorts with a grey, slim fitting t-shirt tucked into the shorts. For shoes, she slipped on some black pumps, grabbed Lexa’s biker jacket and slipped it on. 

She checked out her outfit in the mirror as she did every day. “Ugh, I need shades to hide my tired hungover eyes”. she grabbed a black pair of sunglasses from on top of her drawers, put them on and left the coffee shop. 

=====================================================================  
Clarke got to the coffee shop ordered an Americano for herself and a long macchiato for Lexa and found a seat. It was 11:40 so she shouldn’t be too long. 

As she sat waiting for her, Clarke was trying to remember what happened last night and remembered arriving at the party with Lexa and speaking to their friends and drinking. Her head was in her hands as it ached from the hangover and thinking so hard wasn’t helping. She heard the door chime ding and looked towards the door, it was Lexa. 

She was dressed in grey skinny jeans and a baggy black jumper with her hair tied up in a messy bun. ‘How does she manage to pull off outfits like that?’ she thought, smiling at Lexa as she was approaching the table. 

“Sunglasses? Jesus, someone had a rough night” Lexa mocked. 

“Tell me about it. The last thing I remember is you going to the bathroom and then talking to a boy” she said giving her the drink she ordered for her. 

The smile on Lexa’s face dropped and the concern in her eyes grew. Clarke noticed this. 

“What! What is it?” she worried.

“There was a boy, I noticed him watching you last night. At first, I thought he just fancied you and stuff but then I noticed him following us into other rooms. He was staring at you, watching you. Biding his time until you were alone to go over and talk to you” she could feel her blood boiling just thinking about it. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?!” she snapped

“I didn’t think anything of it. I mean, sure it seems relevant now but at the time I just thought he was another one of Bellamy's weird mates”.

“Well, what I remember of him seemed lovely so I guess it wasn’t that bad” Clarke claimed to try to reassure them both.

“Where did you go? After I came back from the bathroom I couldn’t find you. I looked everywhere. Jasper said you left” 

“Where did I go? You didn’t come back! I didn’t go anywhere, at least I don’t think I did”. 

Just as the sentence left Clarke’s mouth her phone pinged. It was a text from an unsaved number, it read ‘Hey Clarke, It’s Finn, the boy from Ravens party last night. You were really drunk so Bellamy and I walked you home. I hope you’re okay!’ She read it and looked up at Lexa. 

“What’s the matter?” 

Clarke showed the text to Lexa. 

“How did you manage to get wasted in the 5 minutes that I was gone for?” 

“Honestly, I have no idea, but I was doing shots. You know how I am with Tequila, It never ends well” She joked. 

“It’s not funny, I was worried about you. In the end, I figured your mum must have called and needed you at home or something and that’s why you left, so I got bladdered and walked home”.

=====================================================================

They finished their coffees while talking over last night and deciding whether to attend Octavia’s last minute plan of going to the beach. She had text Lexa and Clarke to ask them if they fancied going and said that ‘everyone’ would be there. 

Lexa thought it’d be a nice romantic place to get to spend some more time with Clarke. Maybe she could tell her how she felt after all?

Clarke loved the nights she’d spent at the beach with her friends. Lexa was always there to make her laugh and put an arm around her if she was cold. Maybe that Finn boy would be there. There was something mysterious about him, she wanted to know more. 

=====================================================================

It was around 3:40 pm and Lexa was waiting outside Clarke’s house for her to come out. She’d just text her saying ‘I’ll be right out x’. They were meeting to walk to the beach to meet the others. 

Lexa was wearing her denim shorts with a blue bikini top covered with a grey checkered top and flip flops. She was carrying a backpack full of beer as she knew her friends would all be drinking. The get-togethers they usually have on the beach, end up turning into a beach party. She knew she’d be there until the late evening so she wanted to make sure they didn’t run out of alcoholic beverages. 

The door clicked closed and the sound of footsteps was getting louder. “Ready loser?” Clarke said. 

“Pfft. I was ready 5 minutes ago” Lexa quipped admiring the sight of her. 

Clarke was wearing a purple bikini covered by a sarong and black flip flops. She was carrying a beach towel, sun cream and a bottle of vodka. 

“I see you’ve got your priorities in check, C” she winked looking at the vodka in the blonde’s hand. Then she opened her backpack to reveal the concealed beer. 

They gave each other a mischievous grin and continued their walk to the beach. 

===================================================================== 

After a relaxing 15 minute stroll, they arrived at the beach. Surprisingly, It wasn’t too busy, which was odd for a day as beautiful as this one. They could see a group of people drinking and could hear music blaring from the boom box that was behind them all. 

“Yep, that’s definitely them,” Clarke said excitedly. 

They proceeded to make their way over to their group. As they got closer and closer their friends began to greet them. Lincoln and Bellamy came over to carry their bags for them as they could tell their arms were tiring. 

Octavia, Raven, Jasper, Monty, Maya, Wells, Murphy, Lincoln, Bellamy and who else?

“Who is that?” Lexa asked. 

They both raised their hand up over their eyes to try and block out the sun to see who it was they didn’t recognise. They kept walking toward the group, squinting to try and see the face of the unknown individual. 

It was a boy. Then Lexa observed his face. Her stomach dropped and her hands became clammy. It was the boy from the party. They boy that was watching Clarke all night. She could feel herself burning up out of anger of his presence. 

Their friends came over to hug them hello and offer them a drink while making small talk.

“Guys, this is Finn” Bellamy announced extending his arm out toward the stranger. 

“I believe we’ve already met” Clarke replied to the amusement of Bellamy and Finn. 

Lexa couldn’t help but let her eyes burn into him. She felt her stomach knot and felt nauseous. 

“I can’t lose her to him. There’s something not right about that guy. She’s too good for him” she said under her breath while finding her seat. 

This was going to be a long evening…


	5. Chapter 4 - The Beach

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it's been ages. There's been a lot happening like download fest, a heatwave, writer's block, my birthday. I also, wouldn't have been able to even finish this chapter without the help of my better half, so thanks for the help gayface. 
> 
> Also, for any Americans that read this when I say 'boot' in the context of 'boot of the car', it means the 'trunk'. 
> 
> I hope you find it half decent to read :-)

Clarke had always liked the beach from being a little girl. There was something calming about the sea breeze, the crash of the waves upon the shore, the sand between her toes. She liked the sunset the most. The splash of orange and red in the sky like a watercolour painting. Like the painting she had come to the beach to paint many times before, most of which she would discard as she could never quite seem to capture the elegant tranquillity that the sunset had to offer. 

=====================================================================

The beach is as serene tonight as it always is, and Clarke noticed. 

“It really is beautiful to look at” she uttered “It feels like I’m seeing it for the first time, every time”. 

She felt Lexa’s eyes burn into her but proceeded to pour a drink with the vodka that she brought with her. 

“Right losers, now that we’re all here, let’s play a game. A drinking game, obviously!” Raven announced. “Any suggestions?” 

Everyone's eyes darted around the group to see if anyone had any ideas, they all jumped to Clarke as she began to speak. 

“How about two truths and a lie? I tell you all three things, two of them are true and one is a lie. If you guess wrong you have to take a shot”.

“And if you guess right?” Octavia questioned.

“If you guess right? Um, I don’t know. You get the satisfaction of being right and have bragging rights”. 

The group laughed and rolled their eyes.   
“Let’s get going then losers! Commander, you’re up first” Raven demanded pointing to Lexa. 

As everyone's eyes travelled to Lexa, she shot a puzzling glance toward Raven. 

“Ooop, weren’t listening were you Lex? We’re playing two truths and a lie, you’re first”. 

“Right, yeah. Not drunk enough yet, that’s all. Hmm” Lexa began to think. 

Clarke noticed Raven's nickname for Lexa and felt a little jealous. ‘That’s my nickname for her. Nobody's ever called her that before’ she thought. Clarke realised she was being ridiculously jealous and brushed it off. 

“Okay, so. In middle school, I had a crush on a girl named Costia. My favourite animal is a squid and my fitness trainer is called Indra” she raised an eyebrow trying to keep a poker face.

People started to speculate which one they thought was a lie. Overall, seven people thought the crush on Costia was a lie. Three thought the squid and just one thought it was Indra. Clarke. 

“Well, Lex, which is it?” Raven asked tapping her hands on her knees to create a drum roll. 

“Rey, don’t call me that,” Lexa said much to the joy of Clarke. “Indra isn’t my fitness trainer, she’s my uncles' fiance”.

“Yeah, and saying you had a crush on Costia is an understatement. You were infatuated with her. All I heard was Costia this, Costia that” Clarke recalled rolling her eyes before sipping her drink. 

“Ooh, someone sounds jealous,” Jasper said before Clarke swatted him on his arm to shush him. 

“Right shots everyone!” Raven handed a bottle of vodka around the group from which they all took a mouthful from apart from Clarke and Lexa. 

While everyone was waiting for their turn to drink from the bottle, Clarke glanced at Lexa who felt the blonde’s eyes on her. 

She looked at Clarke and shot her a small smile which was reciprocated. 

Lexa no longer felt the ocean breeze on her arms. Her cheeks turned a pinky colour and her hands once again clammy. 

Clarke affected her. 

Completely, well and truly, overwhelmed her just with a smile, and Lexa hated the hold Clarke had on her. 

It was that Finn boys turn. 

“So, when I was three I broke my arm by jumping off my bed pretending to be Superman. My middle name is Elvis because my mum's a big Elvis Presley fan, and I met an amazing blonde girl at a party last night and I really like her” he said glancing toward Clarke smiling as she blushed and let out a little giggle.

“You barely know her” she let slip accidentally from her mouth while rolling her eyes. Lexa’s eyes widened did she really just say that out loud? 

All eyes were now on Lexa. Raven snickered under her breath and Lexa looked to her for help. 

“Well, we can’t all be best friends with Clarke like you Lex” Raven jested in hopes to lighten the awkward tension. 

“Whatever” she replied, rolling her eyes. 

Clarke’s eyes were fixated on her with her eyes widened slightly and her mouth open in shock. 

“Anyyyyywayyyyyy, moving on. Who’s up next?” Raven called. 

“I’m next” Octavia quickly announced raising her hand in the air. 

As Octavia went on to tell the group her two truths and a lie, Lexa zoned out.

All Lexa could think about was how much her gut was telling her something was off about Finn and how jealous she was of the attention he was getting off Clarke. But she also knew Clarke wasn’t hers, she had no idea of the feelings Lexa had for her. Why was he was flirting with her? He barely knows her? She could feel her blood becoming hotter and hotter, almost to the boil. She kept thinking about losing her, to him. How different things would be. He eyes began to well up. She needed to get out of there before they leaked. 

She was cut out of her daydream from Octavia snapping her fingers in her face. “Earth to the commander! Which one of my statements do you think is the lie?”

Lexa caught yet again in a stare from everyone in the group, just shrugged her shoulders, grabbed the bottle closest to her and walked off along the shore. 

Raven and Octavia gave each other a look and got up and followed Lexa out. Their concern for Lexa was more important than finishing the game. They knew how soft the commander really was, even though she wore a suit of armour on the outside to seem tough. 

They started to jog a little bit to catch up to her. 

“Hey Lexa, wait up” Raven yelled. 

Lexa halts her movements and turns around to see Raven and Octavia running up to her. 

She rolled her eyes at her two friends. She really just wanted to be left alone to drink her anger away and think. 

“What do you guys want?” Lexa said. She wasn’t trying to sound rude, but she knew that’s how it came off.

“No need to be sassy Lexa, we just want to make sure you’re okay and see what’s wrong” Octavia stated.

“Sorry guys, I just really want to be left alone right now,” Lexa said with a sigh.

“No can do boss. So tell us what’s got you so upset, I mean other than the fact you don’t like Finn moving in on your girl” Raven snickered. 

“Reyes, what did you just say?!” Lexa fully turned and saw red. 

Raven knew at the moment she may have crossed a line with her statement.

Octavia was quick to jump in and make sure to cool things off.

“What she meant to say was why has Finn got you so angry? None of us really know him that well yet?”

Lexa just stared at the two of them completely dumbfounded. How could they not get the same uncomfortable feeling she gets when she sees him? 

“Lexa, talk to us, we want to know why you just stormed off like that” Octavia asked.

“Because I can’t stand the idea of her with anyone else. The fact that just the idea of her showing any interest in anyone else makes my blood boil. I’ve had feelings for her for years and I just keep getting overlooked every time a boy comes into her life. It just isn’t fair!” Lexa yelled and was breathing heavily as she finished her outburst. 

Her eyes welling up once more and her body started to shake. 

Raven reached her arm around and pulled Lexa into a hug. 

Lexa then started to cry. She was crying out her anger, her sadness and her intoxication. 

Octavia went in and hugged Lexa too. She could tell all her friend needed right now was a hug. 

As Lexa started to calm down and her breathing started to even out. The girls all pulled away. Lexa was looking at the ground when Raven spoke. 

“You know it is okay to be angry and upset, but you need to tell her how you feel Lex. It isn’t fair to you.”

Octavia nodded her head. “I agree with Raven. You either need to tell her and see how she feels or just let her be happy.” 

=====================================================================

Clarke looked over and noticed the three girls embraced in a hug. So she got up from her seat and started to slowly make her way over to them. Even though she was slightly drunk she just had this funny feeling in her gut. 

As she reached the three girls she caught the last of the conversation. “...let her be happy”.

She was confused. Well, what was that supposed to mean? What’s going on? Let who be happy?

Octavia noticed the blonde approaching and unbeknownst to Lexa elbowed Raven in her side to get her attention. Raven side eyed the other brunette confused as to why she would do that but when she looked up she saw Clarke approaching and quickly got the hint. 

“We’ll be over there if you need us,” Raven said parting ways with Lexa so the pair could be alone. 

Lexa lifted her head and saw Clarke walking in her direction. She knew that Raven and O were right, she had to do something. 

Clarke walked up to Lexa. She noticed Lexa had puffy eyes. Her makeup had smeared, making her look kind of like a cute little racoon, and asked. “Hey, are you alright? I saw Raven and O come over here and you looked upset”.

Lexa stared at her. If she knew she was upset why didn’t she come? Why did their friends have to come over and talk to her first? 

Lexa doesn’t respond to Clarke she just stares blankly at her. Clarke looks down at the bottle in Lexa’s hand. It was nearly full when she took off with it and now it’s pretty much empty. So she knew Lexa was drunk. 

“Hey, can you hear me in there Lex’, tell me what’s wrong. Why’ve you been crying?” 

“Just drunk, but I really just want to be alone right now Clarke.”

“No, I’m not going to leave you alone, not until you tell me why you were crying.”

“I’m serious Clarke I just want to be left alone right now.”

“I don’t care. You’re my best friend and I want to know why you were crying. Tell me what’s wrong!”

“NOTHING’S WRONG! I JUST WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE!” Lexa shouted.

Clarke stood there in shock. Lexa had never once raised her voice at her or been hostile towards her. 

Lexa realising she had snapped looked at Clarke apologetically and walked off back toward the group finishing off the bottle of rum in her hand. Leaving Clarke just standing alone in front of the sea. 

Clarke watched the commander leave for a moment. Then her eyes averted to the boy walking past her best friend and up to her with a drink. 

“I saw what happened, her shouting at you like that. I don’t know what went on but I wanted to make sure that you’re okay. I brought you a drink” Finn smiled and Clarke accepted the drink and drank it all without coming up for air. The burn she felt in her throat from the vodka was a relief to the aggressive outburst she had just received from her best friend.

Lexa rejoined the group and took her seat right in between Raven and Octavia. The girls looked at her and then at each other. They then noticed Finn walking over to Clarke. They both knew in that moment it was time to get Lexa home. 

Raven and Octavia both got up. While Octavia grabbed Raven's things and her own stuff, she also collected Lexa’s. All while Raven hoisted up a very out of it Lexa and helped her walk to her matte black Camaro. She got Lexa into the back seat while Raven put their things in the boot. Raven being the only sober one was going to drive them all home. Raven looked at Octavia in the rearview mirror and they both nodded in exchange. Raven started the engine and Octavia got into the passenger seat and they headed off in the direction of Lexa’s house. Lexa just staring off into space.


	6. The next day

Lexa woke up to the sound of her phone ringing again for what she counted as the 4th time. She rolled over to check and see who was becoming the new source of pain for her already intense headache. 

*Incoming Call from That’s So Raven* 

The sound of her own ringtone for her which is the “That’s So Raven” theme song was blaring yet again. Why she let Raven set it herself she would never know, she thought rolling her eyes. 

She ignored her phone and then noticed a piece of paper sitting next to the phone along with a bottle of water and a little foil packet of paracetamol. She leaned over and snatched the note. It read:

‘Hey dipshit,  
We figured you might need this after one too many drinks and the little scene you pulled yesterday. Text us when you wake up! 

LOVE YA COMMANDER DRUNK

Raven and O.’ 

Lexa rolled her eyes after reading the note, but she silently thanked them for leaving the pain meds. She grabbed the packet, took out the pills, and opened the bottle of water and took them. She hoped they would kick in soon. 

She grabbed her phone and text Raven saying, 

“I'M ALIVE! JESUS! But if you keep blowing my phone up, I don’t think I will last much longer…but thanks for the meds and the water.”

She put her phone back on her bedside table and rolled over, hoping she could once again fall back asleep. But that hope was cut short when her phone rang. 

Lexa rolled over and grabbed her phone almost dropping it onto her face as she went to read who was calling. She sighed and answered it. 

“HI COMMANDER, HOW YOU FEELING?” Raven yelled loudly down the phone. 

She was trying to kill her, Lexa was sure of it.

“I feel like I want to die, but I could also kill you for screaming so loudly over the phone.” 

“I would say sorry, but we both know that would be a lie. But anyway, I’m glad you’re alive. Now get up and unlock your door, we brought pizza and shit!”

Lexa groaned and hung up the phone. She slowly got up, knowing rushing would only make her more miserable. 

She walked to the door and there, smiling like a bunch of geeks were Raven and O. Raven had three boxes of pizza and some drinks, while O was carrying three bags of what looked like groceries and movies. 

She smiled and moved out of the way for them to come inside. 

Raven walked into the kitchen on a mission to get them plates and cups to sit inside Lexa’s living room. While Octavia walked straight into the living room and made herself a nice spot on the massive sofa. 

Lexa followed Raven into the kitchen. 

“Need any help?”

“Nope,” Raven said, making sure to pop the p. 

“Now go sit down with Octavia and I’ll bring the heavenly pizza over.”

Lexa did as she was told and took a seat in her special spot on the sofa.

Octavia had already started to set up a movie when she turned around and noticed Lexa in her spot. 

“I figured we needed a good and funny movie to watch so I got Bad Neighbours in first.”

Lexa rolled her eyes and smirked. She had to know her friends would poke fun at her a little bit for last night. 

Raven came in and set the pizza, paper plates, and drinks on the coffee table in the middle of the room and took her spot on the other side of Lexa.

“So, you have a choice of just cheese, pepperoni, or spicy pizza.”

Lexa grabbed a plate and put a slice of all 3 pizzas on her plate. She needed some food and these pieces would do the trick.

The other girls followed suit and grabbed their pieces of pizza and focused on the movie.

It wasn’t 20 minutes into the movie when Lexa’s phone buzzed. She looked down and noticed it was Clarke. Lexa shook her head and ignored the text. She wasn’t going to text her back until she remembered what happened the night before. All she remembered was yelling at Clarke and then getting drunk. She sighed and went back to eating her pizza and watching the movie. She didn’t notice how Raven and Octavia had exchanged looks knowing exactly who was texting her. 

Not even one minute later her phone went off again. She knew who was texting her but she decided to ignore it again. 

Raven sighed. 

“Looks like someone has a bad neighbour of their own,” she said while laughing.

Lexa chuckled slightly. It wasn’t entirely true but it was still a little funny. While Octavia was full on snorting and laughing at the comment. 

Lexa looked at her two friends and just knew she had to ask them what happened last night. More importantly how she got home. 

“Hey, guys. So I know last night, I somehow made it home, but most of the night is a blank…”

Raven looked to O, how were they even going to tell Lexa the full details of last night. Octavia looked back with a knowing glance silently trying to figure out a way to ease in the full details of last night, but the real question was where to start. 

Raven and Octavia let out a sigh. 

“Well it wasn’t as bad as you may think it was.” said O

“From what I can remember it was pretty bad before I got drunk.”

“Okay, maybe it was a little bad.”

“Oh god...”

“Do you want the long in depth full detail version or just the SparkNotes?”

“Tell me the whole version please”

“Well, first we were playing two truths and a lie…”

“Not that much of an in depth version just the part where I came back from talking.”

“Well you got back and you were so angry I swear there was steam coming out of your ears, no lie. But you grabbed another bottle of Jack and just started to take giant swigs out of it. While I’m pretty sure you were shooting giant daggers into the back of Finn’s skull. Though honestly, I wish I got video of your face because if looks could kill he would have died several times over.” Octavia said in one long breath. 

“Uh, what?”

“Pretty much when you got back from yelling at Clarke you got drunk and just glared at Finn the rest of the night. Though you did complain you wanted pizza a lot and that we were the best of friends ever.” Raven clarified. 

“Oh god. Did I make a fool out of myself more than that?”

“Not unless you count saying you wanted to make love to a box of chicken nuggets, then nope”

Lexa just shook her head. Honestly, she expected to hear how she threw a bottle into the fire or ran into the ocean. But pizza and nuggets she could live with.

=====================================================================

Little did the trio know, they were being watched by a certain blonde next door. 

Clarke couldn’t help but feel upset at the fact her friends were hanging out without her, neither of them had even bothered to text her and Lexa still hadn’t responded to any of her texts. 

She sighed and grabbed her phone and tried to text Lexa one more time.

‘Hey Lex,  
I hope you made it home alright. Can we get coffee tomorrow?’

She put her phone in her back pocket grabbed her wallet and her purse and headed out the door. She needed to feel happy right now. 

She was off to go on a date with Finn, and she knew he would help take her mind off of her best friend not texting her back, while having a hang out with their other friends. 

She opened the door and saw Finn waiting for her next to his raised bright red Toyota Tacoma. She smiled, turned and locked her front door and walked over to him. 

He greeted her with a kiss on the cheek as he opened the passenger side door for Clarke she grinned as she climbed in. He swung the door shut and made his way around to the driver's side of the car, climbing inside. He turned the key in the ignition, starting up the engine. Clarke gave one last glance toward Lexa’s living room window hoping to catch a glimpse of her but she didn’t. 

She wasn’t sure if she wanted to see Lexa to make sure she was okay or if she wanted Lexa to see her. She craved the feeling she got when Lexa’s eyes burned into her. She made her feel special in a way that nobody ever had before. ‘Maybe Finn could make me feel that way’ she thought. 

She tried to avert her thoughts away from Lexa for the evening to concentrate on getting to know Finn more. She liked him because he seemed different. 

They pulled up to the cinemas and Finn turned off the engine and looked at her for a moment.

“Is a movie okay? I know it seems kinda cheesy but. I thought it’d be good for a first date and maybe you’ll want to go on a second one with me to find out more about me” he smirked.

She raised her eyebrow “Not so fast Sparky, let’s see how this date goes first” she quipped as she winked. 

Finn rolled his eyes and replied with a jokingly “fine”.

He walked around the car opening Clarke’s door for her once more, she took his hand as she climbed out and he swung it shut behind her. He then rested her arm in his linking them together and led her into the movies. 

He insisted on seeing a film that he said he wanted to see as it looked good when he watched the trailer so Clarke just agreed not really caring. So they got their tickets, grabbed some popcorn and a coke each and headed into the screen to find a seat. 

They sat at the back in the middle as Finn suggested this was the perfect place to view the film from. As the lights dimmed and the adverts finished the title of the film flashed up on screen. 

“Violence… really?” Clarke asked looking at Finn. 

“What’s wrong with that?” 

“A film called violence? Not exactly first date material is it?” she questioned. 

“It looks good, you’ll like it I promise”. 

“We’ll see” she replied. 

She hated violent films. She hated violence all together but she agreed to watch it because it was a date after all and it was his choice. 

=====================================================================

It was some time in the late evening when Raven and O went home. They ate pizza until they couldn’t move, laughed until their cheeks hurt and their eyes started to water. They had all enjoyed their day together but now they went and Lexa was alone she started to over think again about last night. 

‘Maybe I should just apologise to Clarke. She is my best friend after all and I don’t want to lose her’ she thought out loud to herself. 

She cleared the cups and plates away from the living room and took them into the kitchen and loaded the dishwasher. Upon returning to tidy up the cushions and blankets they had strewn all over the sofa and floor her eyes were drawn to the window looking out toward Clarke’s house. 

...and there she was. 

Her tummy flipped. She didn’t expect to look across and see her. After flipping, her tummy dropped and her mood darkened as she saw Finn. 

“Oh,” she said to herself instantly regretting her thoughts about apologising to Clarke. 

Clarke’s head swung over in her direction and their eyes met. She saw her. 

“Shit” 

She let out a heavy sigh. She closed the curtains then walked away from the window. Tidied up the room and headed to her own. 

She tried to sleep but her thoughts wouldn’t let her forget about Clarke for long enough for her to fall asleep. She was awake for most of the night. 

=====================================================================

After the film they made their way out of the film screen and Finns’ mood seemed to have completely changed. She wasn’t sure if it was something she said or because he was tired or something so she didn’t ask. 

“Well… what did you think?” he asked.

“Not bad if you’re into that sort of thing. I prefer a happy ending type of film but it wasn’t terrible I guess”

His smile turned into an offended look then morphed into an annoyed one. “So, you didn’t like it then?” 

“It was okay, just not my kind of film,” she said after noticing his annoyance at her earlier comment. 

“Well I tried” he huffed before adding “ next time you can pick. If there is a next time?”

She wasn’t sure whether that was a question or him being annoyed so she just nodded. 

The walk to his car was almost completely silent apart from Finn excusing himself for letting out a burp. 

When they got to the car he didn’t open to car door for her, she just assumed her forgot and didn’t expect him to open it for her at all so she didn’t mind. She opened the door, climbed inside and fastened her seatbelt. 

He got in and looked at her, she looked back but his stare was too intense to reciprocate so let out a small grin and looked away. After what seemed like ages she felt his gaze avert and he started the car up and started to reverse out of the parking space. 

His eyes didn’t burn into her the way Lexa’s did. Lexa’s made her flustered and blush and Finn’s made her feel embarrassed and awkward. 

He turned on the radio and started singing along to the music blasting until they pulled up outside Clarke’s house. He turned the engine off and the radio turned off automatically. He shifted in his seat and looked to Clarke. 

“Thank you for this evening. I’m sorry if I've been a little strange, I've just got a lot on my mind at the moment, family stuff y’know” his mood seemed to be lighter and almost back to normal. 

“Yeah, that’s okay don’t worry about it. I had a lot on my mind too and you helped take it all off my mind” she replied. 

Finn got out of the car, walked around to the passenger side and opened the door for Clarke to climb out of. 

“I had fun. I promise next time it’ll be a little more intimate, maybe dinner?” he said closing the door behind her once she was out of the car. 

“Sure. I’d like to get to know more about you. Maybe I can help with those family problems or maybe just take your mind off of them for a while” she said, happy that he still wanted a second date with her. 

“I’ll walk you to your door..” he said already taking steps up the garden path. 

She started to follow when she felt watched. Her head turned to Lexa’s living room window out of habit… and there she was. It caught her off guard like a deer in headlights, all she could do was stare back at her. She felt a pang of guilt. Like she had just caught her doing something forbidden. But she wasn’t. 

She could almost hear the sigh Lexa let out of her lips before she closed the curtains. 

She exhaled loudly. She made her way up the garden path looking up to see Finn's eyes looking back at hers and she realised he’d seen the whole thing. 

She thanked Finn for the date and once again told him she’d had a lovely night and that they should do it again soon. Then she kissed his cheek before smiling at him and opening her front door. 

She closed it and slid down the back of it until she was sat on the floor and felt her eyes sting and they filled with salty tears. What was she going to do?


	7. I'll think of you always.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been ages, too long. I'm sorry. I lost the motivation for writing but after a break-up, a lot of stress and my laptop dying, I wanted to write. 
> 
> This chapter took about an hour to write so u don't expect it to he perfect but its progress and I enjoyed writing it. I hope you enjoy it too! 
> 
> P.s I literally wrote this in my phone so :')

The rain crashed so hard against Clarke’s bedroom window that she was sure it was going to cave in anytime soon. 

She had just woken from her nights' sleep almost forgetting about the trouble-filled last couple of days. 

She was happy that Monday had finally arrived as she was sure that college would provide a distraction from all the thoughts running through her head. 

She turned onto her side and reached for her phone that was sleeping on the bedside table. She pressed the home button to see if she had any notifications. 

She did but none were from Lexa. 

==============================

She arrived at school, coffee in hand. It felt odd not walking with Lexa. It had been part of her morning routine for so long. 

The bell rang for the first period, Art. She breathed a sigh of relief. Art was her favourite subject and Lexa was in her art class. 

She walked down the corridor and through the classroom door into the art room. She took her assigned seat next to Maya. They smiled at each other as if to say ‘hello’ and waited for their teacher to start the lesson. 

It wasn’t long before her mind found itself thinking about Lexa. She looked toward Lexas’ seat and saw her elbow on the table with her hand supporting her head. She looked to be doodling. 

Clarke looked back at the work in front of her feeling so many things. All of them confusing. 

She focused on her work. The assignment was to paint something that represents them. She began painting the sheet of paper in front of her. She was in her element. Her emotions spilt all over the paper with each brush stroke. She was so fixated on the painting that she almost didn’t notice the bell ring and the lesson ends. It wasn’t until the other students got up to leave that she realised. 

She started to pack away when she felt someone standing beside her. She could see a pair of feet next to the desk. She recognised the boots immediately.

Her head shot up to find the head that those feet belonged to. Lexa was stood looking at Clarke’s painting. 

“It’s beautiful, I resonate with it well. One of your best yet, Griffin” she said with a small but sad smile before walking out of the classroom. 

Clarke didn’t have a chance to say anything. She wanted to thank her. She wanted to ask her why she didn’t reply to her texts. She wanted to make things okay between them because they still felt a bit ‘off’ despite the encounter they just had. 

Clarke packed her things away and went to the next lesson. 

==============================

The bell rang and the school day was over. As the students filled the halls Clarke made her way to her locker. As she opened it and went to stuff her books inside an envelope fell out and landed on the floor. She looked around to see if she could see anyone who may have posted it through the vent in her locker. 

She then picked up the envelope which was marked ‘Clarke’ she turned it over and began to tear at the paper. She opened the paper inside and closed her locker as she began to read the words on the page. 

Clarke, 

I’ve been debating whether to write these words in this letter or say them to you in person. Right now I don’t think I can stand in front of you, look you in the eyes and say them. 

I’m sorry for snapping and shouting at you on the beach. I just saw red and took it out on you. It’s not your fault, it’s mine. 

The truth is, I was jealous. I was jealous of Finn. He just appears and gets your attention and I felt pushed aside.

There’s something about him that’s strange. Somethings not right and I beg that you please be careful around him Clarke.

I’m going away for a while. I’m staying at my Uncle Gus’ and Auntie Indra’s house. Not sure how long for but I think it’ll be for the best for now. Aunt Indra has just been promoted at the military boot camp where she works. She said there’s a space as a cadet if I wanted it but I’m not too sure about that yet. 

I’m sorry that I’m saying goodbye in a letter. I wouldn’t have been able to say everything I wanted to face to face. I know you might not really understand it right now and I’m not telling you through this letter but maybe one day I’ll finally have the courage to tell you in person and all of this will make sense. 

You’ll always be my best friend Clarke no matter what happens. In me leaving, even if it’s only just temporarily, I hope you can find happiness. 

I’ll think of you always, 

Lexa. 

Clarke’s eyes started to fill with tears that burned. She started to panic. She didn’t want Lexa to leave. No. Why would she do that? She was already happy with her around? 

“What am I going to do without her?” She sunk to the floor and cried. 

She knew the letter said that she’d be back but this felt like more than a temporary goodbye. She could be gone for months, years even. 

She eventually got up and ran home in the hope to catch Lexa before she went and try and persuade her to stay. She’d even tell her about the way she’s been making her feel even if she didn’t fully understand it herself. 

She arrived at their road and ran to her house and rang the doorbell. 

Anya, Lexa's mum, came to the door to find a very out of breath Clarke. Before Clarke could say anything she said “I’m afraid she’s already gone darling. She left about 5 minutes ago with her Uncle Gus. Don’t worry though love, she’ll be back”. 

Clarke’s eyes flooded and tears streamed down her face. Her chin was trembling and her knees weak. Her legs once again gave way underneath her and she fell to the floor. 

Anya comforted Clarke by sitting with her and making her a hot chocolate which she knew Clarke loved. 

Maybe Lexa's mum could answer some of the many questions she had? 

“She said she hoped I could find happiness now that she’s left. Do you know what she meant?” She forced out between whimpers. 

“It’s not for me to say, love. She’ll tell you in her own time. Maybe when she’s back” she said looking at Clarke, whose eyes were seeking more answers. 

“She's doing what she thinks is best for you, even if it’s hurting herself. She’ll definitely come back, love. You’re her best friend”. 

==============================

Clarke went home and went straight to her room. She got in the shower hoping that she’d feel better afterwards. Which, she didn’t. 

She felt alone. Without Lexa who was she? It felt so alien to be without her. 

She rang Octavia to look for a distraction. 

‘Clarke, what’s up girl?’ O greeted. Clearly not knowing the brunette was gone. 

She started to cry again. 

‘She’s gone O. Lexa’s gone to her Uncle Gus’ and I don’t know when she’ll be back’ Octavia could hear it in her voice that she was crying. 

‘She’s gone? What? Oh, babe, we need to have a talk. Are you at home?’ 

‘Mhm’ 

‘I’ll get Raven and drive round to yours. We’ll be there soon’ she said before hanging up. 

She lay on her bed, waiting for them to arrive so they could put the deafening silence to an end.


	8. Letting the confusion settle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So throughout writing this fic, I've just gone with whatever feels natural as I go along. I've noticed that some of the details mentioned in the prologue are different to what's happening now. I hope you much prefer this route I'm taking. 
> 
> Also, if you have any ideas of what you'd like to see happen. Leave a comment x

Clarke heard Raven and Octavia knock on the front door. Her mum answered it and sent them up. 

\- Knock Knock - 

"Come in," the blonde said. 

"Clarke, Octavia told me on the way over, are you okay?" Raven asked, being serious about things for a change. 

"I don't know. I.. I just don't know" she answered without looking at them. 

They looked at each other then back to Clarke and made their way over to her bed, sitting beside where she was lay. 

"Do you wanna talk about it?" O asked hoping she'd say yes. 

"She didn't tell us she was leaving. It must have been a last-minute decision" Raven added. 

Clarke finally sat up, made eye contact and just burst out crying. They both threw their arms around her in an attempt to console her. 

She told them about her art lesson, seeing Lexa at the window after her date, the letter and what happened with Anya. 

Raven and Octavia understood why Lexa had left. She needed time alone, this had really hurt her. Seeing Clarke and Finn really hurt her. Octavia had told Lexa that she needed to tell Clarke how she felt or let her be happy, which she felt guilty for saying because she didn't think she'd leave. 

None of them knew when she'd come back. It must have affected her more than she let on to just go and not say goodbye. 

They all tried texting and ringing her but she never answered. 

After a couple of hours and lots of shed tears, they'd come to the conclusion that she'd know where they are if she ever needed them. They put on a film and decided to have a sleepover at Clarke's so she wouldn't feel as alone. 

During the film, Octavia looked across at the girls and smiled. "Y'know, I know its terrible that Lexa has gone and I hope she comes back soon but its made me realise what I have. I love you girls" Octavia confessed. 

They smiled and 'Awed' at Octavia's confession. 

"We love you too O," they said. 

==============================

Lexa had just arrived home from school and she saw her Uncle Gus' car outside her house. She'd rang him that morning asking to go and stay with him for a while. He didn't ask questions as he knew if she wanted to talk to him about it, she would do. Lexa liked that he wasn't a pusher and just said yes to her staying, no questions asked. 

Once inside her house, she said hello to her Uncle and her mum. 

“Lexa, your Uncle Gus had told me that you’re going to stay with him for a while?” 

“Yeah"

"Why? Is something wrong sweetie?" 

"No mum" 

"Honey, you know whatever it is you can always talk to me about it" 

"No, I know. Just.. I need a break. I need to get away for a while" she said with sadness in her eyes. 

"Must be important if you left college early to get home before Clarke?" she gave Lexa a knowing look. 

"Ugh mum, just leave it, please. I'm going upstairs to pack" she looked at Uncle Gus "I'll be ready to go in 10 minutes, that okay?" 

"That's fine. Just give me a shout when you're ready" he said sipping his coffee. 

Lexa went upstairs and pulled out a suitcase from under her bed. She flopped it open on the bed and started emptying the contents of her clothes drawers into it. 

Soon, the suitcase was full. She sat on the edge of the bed to catch her breath and her attention turned to the picture frame on her windowsill. 

It was a picture of her and Clarke that was taken in the summer. She remembered that night well. She remembered every night with Clarke. She let out a sigh and put the picture in her suitcase. 

"I hope what I'm doing is for the best. I hope she can be happy and not have to worry about me acting weird for reasons she doesn't know about. It's not her fault I'm in love with her" she said under her breath. 

She heard a floorboard creak in the doorway. She spun her head to see that her mum was standing there. 

"Did you hear that?!"

"Yes, honey and its okay. I've known for a while. Everybody can see it" 

"Everyone but her. I want her to be happy even if it means that she's not happy with me" a tear fell down her cheek. "But I can't stand around and watch. It’s hurting too much” 

Her mum didn’t say anything, what could she say? She walked over to her daughter and wrapped her arms around her and kissed her head. 

“I’m so proud of you Alexandria. You’re a beautiful selfless woman. You’re hurting yourself by leaving but I know that it would hurt you more to stay around and for things to stay the same” 

“I know... Thank you, mum. If Clarke comes, please don’t tell her why I left” 

“I won’t love,” she said with a sad smile. 

Lexa zipped up her suitcase and carried it downstairs. 

"Ready to go Spud?" her uncle asked. 

"As ready as I'll ever be" 

Gus took Lexa's suitcase from her and carried it to the car putting it in the boot. 

"I'll text you when we're there. I love you mum" 

Anya nodded, "I love you too". 

==============================

The car journey lasted about 3 hours. They didn't really talk much. Auncle Gus just sang along to the songs on the radio, most of which just made Lexa all the sadder. They were all about love and heartbreak as were most of the chart songs. 

When they finally reached her Uncles and Aunts house, Indra greeted them with a cup of coffee and some tea which was music to Lexa's ears as she was so hungry after the journey. 

The conversation around the table was kept light. Indra was asking Lexa how College had been and if she’d thought more about becoming a cadet. 

“I’m not really sure if I'm cut out for that kind of stuff, to be honest, Aunt Indra. I mean, what if I don’t like it?” 

“Then you don't go back kid, but honestly I know you’ll love it. Why don't you come along with me to work tomorrow and try it out?” 

“Yeah, I might. Thanks” she smiled. 

After tea, she went up into the spare room to unpack. She planned to be here for at least a month but was open to staying longer. 

Her phone had been vibrating none stop since she left with calls and texts off of all her friends but she didn't answer any. She knew she would eventually but she just needed time to figure this all out. She was trying to ignore how Clarke made her feel and let her be happy. She needed to just let things settle. 

She sent a text to her mum reading; 

' We got here safe mum. Sorry I didn’t text sooner Aunt Indra made tea. ‘

She threw her phone on the bed and let out the biggest sigh. 

==============================

The next day, Lexa went to work with Indra. She didn't quite know what she was expecting it to be like but she didn't really mind as long as it kept her so busy that she couldn't think about Clarke. 

Which is exactly what happened, she was so busy with learning all the different drills, polishing boots and she even learnt how to take apart and clean a rifle. She was so busy that she couldn't think of anything else than the task at hand. 

At the end of the day, they went for a 5-mile run. Lexa wasn't one for running but she enjoyed pushing herself and feeling the burn. 

Her Aunt Indra led the group and was constantly motivating everyone to 'push through the pain' and 'don't give up, keep going'. 

After the run, which was more like a marathon, Indra approached Lexa who was bent over with her hands on her knees, trying to catch her breath. 

"Good Job. Here, drink this" she ordered handing her a water canteen. "You did well. How have you found today?" 

"Honestly, it was harder than I thought but, I've actually enjoyed it. It's really kept my mind off of everything that's going on at home" she said between breaths and sips of water. 

"You've got real potential to go a long way. Not many people come close to completing the five miles run on their first attempt" she said proudly.

"Anything that takes my mind off of Clarke is worth doing. If I was to enrol would I stay here?" she asked emphasising the 'was'. 

"You'd say in the bunks with the other cadets. You'd be woken up at half 6 for inspection. You'd have several drills throughout the day and be expected to obtain your uniform and bunk to the highest standard. You'd have access to the gym and the swimming pool over the weekend as we allow cadets to free roam the campus and have weekends off. However, Monday to Friday is a strict routine" she said, with her eyebrow raised. "Or if you really don't want to I'm sure I can just let you stay with us and come down each day with me in the morning. Or you don't have to do this at all" she added. 

"I know I don't have to but I want to. It's keeping my body and mind occupied and in don't want to think. I think it'll be good for me" Lexa said finally catching her breath. 

"Okay, well you get showered and changed and I'll meet you by the car and we'll talk on the way home" she looked to Lexa for approval. Lexa nodded. 

==============================

And so on the way home, they did indeed talk about Lexa enrolling to become a cadet. It was decided that Lexa would pack a few changes of clothes and a few other necessities after they'd eaten their tea, ready to take to the camp tomorrow to enrol. 

Lexa would be given two uniforms, a parade uniform and more white t-shirts than she'd ever need. 

Her Aunt began to tell her why she became a cadet when she was younger.

"I had a lot of anger when I was young. I always had to be in control. I was a fighter" she told her niece while driving. "I had so much rage bottled up inside and no healthy way to let it all out. Until I became a cadet. Decisions were made for me. I blew off all my steam through hikes, patrols, runs and in the gym". 

Lexa never knew this about Indra. It made her admire her more than she already did. 

"Didn't you miss your family? Your friends?" she wondered. 

"I did but I rarely had time to think about them or be sad about it. I had a routine and missing my friends and family wasn't a part of that" Indra said looking at her with a sad smile and adding "but above all else kid... Never forget who you are inside". 

Lexa nodded deep in thought. 

"Thanks for supporting and helping me Auntie Indra. It means a lot". 

==============================

After tea, Lexa went to pack a bag ready for the next day. She packed jeans and a top. A couple of pairs of jogging bottoms and a few t-shirts. One of them being Clarke's. She didn't know why she brought it with her. She was making it harder for herself but it brought her comfort. 

She picked up her phone looking at all the texts and calls she'd gotten and thought it best that she lets her friends know that she's okay. 

She called Raven. 

'Hello?' 

'Hey Raven' 

'Lexa? We've been calling and texting you. We're all worried sick. Are you okay?!' she said without stopping for a breath. 

'Wait. That's Lexa?' Lexa could hear Clarke ask Raven. 

'Raven, please don't tell her it's me. I need to talk to you alone" she pleaded. 

There was a pause before she heard her say, 'No it's not Lexa. It's a telemarketer. She sounds like her so I thought it was. I'm sorry babe". 

'Thanks, Raven' she said with a sigh. 

Lexa heard Raven tell the blonde that she was going outside to finish the call. 

A few moments later Raven spoke. 'I'm alone. Now, can you tell me why I'm lying to Clarke? Why don't you want to talk to her? She's worried about you?' 

'Raven, this is all a mess. I had to leave for a while to sort my head out. I didn't want to hurt her or you or anyone. I don't expect you to lie to her for me. After this phone call you can tell her that it was me on the phone I just, wanted to make sure that she was okay? I'm sorry' 

Raven could hear the guilt in her voice. 

'Commander, I know you love her and I know you're doing this for her but what about you? It's not fair for you to leave everything behind. When are you planning on coming home?' 

'I...I don't know. I'm enrolling to become a cadet at Aunt Indras military camp tomorrow. Figured it'd sort me out, toughen me up'. 

There was a silence on the line. 

'...Lex...' 

'I know Raven. I do miss you all. I'll ring you every weekend and let you know how everything is. Will you look after Clarke for me... Please?' 

'You know I will' she said. Raven was crying, Lexa was sure of it. 

'Can you tell Clarke that this isn't her fault. That I'm just going through some stuff?' 

'Doesn't she deserve to know how you feel Lexa? Then she can make her own choice?' 

'I will tell her, but not like this. I need time' 

'Okay. I understand. I'll call you Saturday and update you. Stay safe commander' she sniffled.

Lexa's eyes burned knowing that Clarke was worrying about her but she knew this was something she had to try and do for her.. she wasn't good enough for her. How was she supposed to tell her best friend that she was in love with her?


End file.
